The Weekly: 8
This is the last edition of my The Weekly before my debut stand-up performance. It’s Monday, July 18 at 7pm (details here). As loyal subscribers and dare I say, fans [I’ll say fans], I’m extending you a gift: a free viewing of my set.
I know what you’re thinking. “What if too many people view it at once and it crashes the internet?”
It’s a valid concern.
But my website is robust and can handle the traffic [all 12 of you].
We’ll work through this together.
If you know anyone who would like to laugh at me, please tell them to subscribe soon. Or not, if you’d rather have me all to yourself [don’t make it weird].
Let's collectively set the bar low. Not because it's going to suck [I'm going to kill] but I want you to be blown away. And you won't be at the comedy club so you won’t feel the energy of thousands of people [seven] laughing and applauding. You will be by yourself doing whatever you normally do alone on the internet [I don’t even want to know your search history]. Which means that it’s much easier to say “…meh…"
I’m not sure exactly when I’ll have the footage [it takes a lot of photoshopping to look this good], but I promise that I’ll give you a peek when I receive it. Just like he promised to never send The Weekly late again? Yes, just like that, asshat.
One day when I was in grade school, our PE teacher videotaped our walks. I have no idea why she did this. It wasn't part of one of those creepy health checks where they feel everyone’s spine while they bend over or pick through their hair looking for lice...
Parent: “Okay, Tommy. Bend over and touch your toes."
Tommy: “This seems weird."
Parent: “It is. And— OH MY GOD YOUR SPINE’S INVERTED!"
It seemed like the teacher said “I have nothing in the lesson plan today. Let’s tape the kids.” Lights, Camera, WALK!. And then we all reviewed the footage. I’m not sure what I gained from this experience other than lifelong anxiety about my walk. I am constantly analyzing my walk and wondering if other people notice how weird I look while I try to change things up mid-stride. You’re dipping your shoulder… Your spine's too stiff. Loosen up. No, not that loose! You look like drunk Gumby. Are you bouncing? You're bouncing. Don't bounce. Stop bouncing!
Wiff and I are in the middle of a diet/lifestyle competition we’ve called Don’t Be A Fatty or DBAF. One of the daily DBAF requirements is to eat 5 servings of fruits and/or vegetables. Our fridge is full of green things that need to be cooked. By themselves, greens, such as spinach, I think, taste like grunt. They need a little love to shine. And by love I totally mean heat, salt, and fat.
This week’s tip: Brown Your Greens [sounds much better than Green Your Browns].
Here’s how I cook 2 servings per person of leafy greens:
- Preheat a large saute pan over medium-high heat.
- Add 10g (1-2 tbsp) of olive oil.
- Add 200g spinach. It will be heaping. That is okay. It cooks waaaay down.
- Add kosher salt. Make that shit rain down upon the greens. Remember when I said greens taste like grunt? Salt fixes that. [Don't tell me about how you're watching your salt intake... Plenty of studies and my own vast worldly knowledge show that most people eat way too much salt from processed foods. (Think anything with the words Jimmy Dean on it, or things that rhyme with heli schmeat.)]
- Don’t.Touch.Anything. Don't touch the heat. And do NOT fucking touch those greens. You want them browned, not steamed. Moving them around steams them. Which I just said was bad.
- Still don’t touch anything. [Why are you touching them? I said No!]
- Finally, when you can smell the greens’ lovely browning (it almost smells like burning), toss and brown the other side. Pretend you're cooking hashed browns.