The Weekly: 10
Hello people who casually use the word "flotsam" without immediately saying “and jetsam”. [You are a vocab wizard.]
This week's Weekly is a day late. I know it. You know it. My dog knows it.
It was 98% done yesterday but forgot to hit send [complete fabrication]. I'm sorry to ruin your Thursday. But I'm not sorry to make your Friday extra special! [*groan*...I tried...].
Me: Should we complete The Weekly, thus sticking to our goal of prioritizing this, our beloved The Weekly, over anything else on Thursdays?
Me: Yes. No question. We need to—
Me: SCREW GOALS! LET'S HAVE FUN!*
* "have fun" means "let's have drinks and dinner at 6 and be in bed by 9."
What Would Your Mother Say?
I'm writing from the United Club Lounge at Newark-Liberty International Airport, or as most people call it: *wince*.
While it doesn't quite have JFK's sexy name or Laguardia's distinction of being the only airport named after an Italian [don't fact check that], it does feature some guy clipping his fingernails, something I thought only happened on the subway....
[UPDATE:: He has since moved, but he left his fingernail clippings on the desk like a true gentleman.]
I'll be back on the stage at Gotham Comedy Club [details] on August 10th. Yes, despite the overwhelmingly positive reaction from my first set [a few people clapped] I still haven’t received international stardom. They tell me I need to perform "a few more times" before I’m “any good.”
If you’re in NYC or on the eastern seaboard come out and see me [details, in case you missed the first time]. Autographs will be available for the first 7 people or until my hand cramps.
Recipe I'm Cooking
There are two sides to my kitchen personality: Sober Anthony and Drunk Anthony. Sober Anthony loves him some grams. He weighs EVERYTHING so that you gramless savages can recreate the recipe exactly as he intended. Weighing things also helps him build an intuition for how much typical ingredients weigh. He puts in all the hard work for Drunk Anthony’s benefit.
Drunk Anthony doesn’t weigh anything. He’s too busy chugging the cocktails Sober Anthony measured out for him. Drunk Anthony says things like “fuck it, let’s just throw in the entire pepper and see what happens [fiery pain happens].” After which Angry Wiff usually says “did the recipe call for his much jalapeño?”
Sober Anthony loves the fact that he can weigh a carrot before he chops it so he doesn’t have to stop his prep process to retrieve more carrots from the fridge [which cuts into Drunk Anthony’s drinking hours]. Same with Every. Other. Ingredient.
Sober Anthony also loves that weighing something’s mass [stay with me] doesn’t discriminate against it’s shape. Have you tried measuring a cup of garlic cloves vs a cup of minced garlic [one of those will fend off more vampires than the other].
And lastly, he loves that he can measure everything with one measuring device, a cheap scale.
But Sober Anthony has heard from some of you [everyone] that “normal people don’t use grams” or that he should “use cups like a ‘merican”.
He hears you. He really does [and then promptly returns to his beloved scale].
Which is why he’s making Drunk Anthony [begrudgingly] go back through all his recipes to add a second, more people-friendly version. You're welcome.