The Weekly: 13
I was so afraid to publish the 13th edition of The Weekly that I didn't. Just completely ... did not. [No contraction the second time? So brave.] I wish I had the energy/lifetimes to apologize to each and every one of the throngs of people who loyally stood outside my hotel room demanding the 13th Weekly. But alas [yes, alas] they were left disappointed a second time when I disappeared into the cold [muggy] midwestern air leaving them wondering how I'd escaped, where I was headed, and why they were sleeping outside of some idiot's room at a La Quinta Inn & Suites [always Inn & Suites!]
I'm currently writing this in lovely Merrillville, IN, just south of Gary, IN. Depending on how gregarious we feel in our drive today, we'll either end up home in Manhattan (12 hrs) or Hermitage, PA (6 hrs), which would be the 2nd time [and definitely not last] we've visited Hermitage.
According to the website, Hermitage is home to approximately 16,000 residents and has "all the advantages of small-town living with the cultural & recreational opportunities of large cities." Clearly the Pirates Treasure Casino [sic] we passed on our way to Papa John's is the cultural & recreational cornerstone of the community.
My next show is 7pm Tuesday September 20th at Gotham Comedy Club. Yes, the same club where I came out to the world as a comic just a few months ago. I remember it like it was just a few months ago... It turns out that despite being "hands down the funniest and handsomest comedian we've ever seen" [a lie] and "never invited back because he was TOO good" [also a lie], they're letting me back on stage to perform again [NOT a lie].
Part of the deal is that I bring 8-10 people to the show. Yes, I know I have millions of fans across the world who would drive/fly/swim amazing distances [a few miles, tops] to see me perform, but I need to tell them. So this is me calling to my minions to join me on the 20th. [Hello? Minions? Oh hey, Dad! *waves*]
Apparently this show is an "Industry" New Talent Show. Which means, I'm told, there will be people from "the industry" in the audience. I suppose people from all industries like to laugh, so they're more than welcome. The more the merrier!
[You can see videos of my other shows here.]
Wiff and I had some of the BEST popcorn in our lives at Grey Plume in Omaha, NE [I thought they only ate steak?]. I say some of the best because MINE is comparable and also counted as some of the best [by me].
And THAT, my delicate dandelions, reminded me that I could dispense a little wisdom today in the form of my popcorn recipe.
Ingredients [serves 2]:
- 80g Popcorn kernels. Heirloom if you're fancy. [about 1/2 a cup]
- 40g Butter [about 1/3 of a stick]
- 5g canola oil [about a tablespoon]
- Sea or kosher salt [iodized is for squares]
Recipe [still serves 2]:
- Add butter to a small pan over medium heat if you want browned butter, medium low for normal butter.
- Add popcorn and canola oil to a popcorn maker pan. If you don't have a popcorn maker pan thing, make it in a normal pan covered with foil. Cut slits in the foil and keep shaking everything until it's done. Here's the "other" technique...
- Spin the little knob on the popcorn maker until it's totally done poppin'. [Yes, poppin']
- If you're above average [or, like me, a Hero], then your popcorn will finish at precisely the moment your butter is done. Mix them together in a bowl with plenty of salt and divvy up into two other bowls.
Apple release their newest operating system this week, giving us more features we didn't know we couldn't live without. Like bigger emoji.
Bigger emoji? That’s the big reveal, Apple? People were saying “this iPhone thing is damned near perfect, just wish I could see that eggplant a bit more clearly”? And you said “that's our top priority”? How did we even exist without big emoji? Having to squint at all those suggestive emoji sexts. First they gave us the burrito. It was like receiving direct evidence of God's existence. And now, they're making it bigger? Is this what the Renaissance felt like?
And the iPhone 7 Plus has two cameras. Two cameras! Thank the gods! Now we share our selfies in 3D! Our lives were too exciting for just one camera. So many things to photograph. Now we can do it at twice the speed!
For the Android fans the Samsung Galaxy now comes with the exploding battery feature. [Optional accessory: lead underwear.] It sounds like a plot line from an old school James Bond movie...
"Dr. Evil, what's the plan to take over the world?
"We'll hide bombs inside the world's smartphones! And then we'll demand ransom! MUAHAHA!!!"
"How will we get a hold of them?"