August 13, 2025

I just realized that my drivers license expires in 10 days. I say “just” as if this were a surprise. It’s not. Nor was it ever. I knew when I got my license 4 years ago the exact day it would expire. Of course, the surprise feeling immediately gave way to self-loathing. One part of me knew the expiration was coming, and another part of me hates that part. Why didn’t you say something sooner, jackass? But that’s how it always goes, isn’t it? Even if we knew the exact day and time of our death, we’d be lying on our death bed thinking already? I thought I had more time! And moments later, how could you…?

Renewing my license should have been a straightforward process: go online, click renew, receive new license in the mail. But, since it’s a government-run website, it’s a bit more complicated: go online, click renew, get an error, retry nine times, drink alcohol. I don’t know why government-run is synonymous with shitty. I mean, I do; I used to work for the government. There’s a reason we have sayings like “a government job,” and “good enough for government work.” The website is so bad, it’s almost like they want us to go into the DMV. “Look, our workers are lonely. Come visit. They need this.” Is that why they’re so slow? They just need someone to talk to?

I eventually got to the point where I could schedule an in-person visit to the DMV. Everyone’s favorite way to spend an afternoon. Why is the DMV so bad? Why does every DMV visit have to be slow and stupid and weird? It’s almost like someone at the DMV asked, “Hey, should we fix everything?” And the boss said, “We have a reputation to uphold.” The soonest reservation I could make was in September. Do they only have one person on duty? Are they that lonely? Or am I just like everyone else, trying to make a last minute appointment? That’s not it…

To renew my license I also needed an eye exam. I was able to schedule an appointment within seconds at a place 400 feet away that takes place in two hours. I mean, it’ll cost two grand, but I’m supporting free enterprise! What are they doing right that the DMV is doing so wrong? How are they able to make it so easy? I walked into the optician’s store at 11:15 and told the smiling clerk I had an appointment for 11:30. She ushered me to the New Patient Registration Desk where I gave the receptionist my last name.

“Ah, I see you have an 11:30 appointment,” she said. “You can sign in here.”

I thought she was joking and smiled at her like you’d smile at someone who just made a joke. I didn’t see the need to sign in when we’d just done it verbally.

“You can sign in here, Mr. LeDonne.” She wasn’t joking.

In a quiet rebellion, I wrote intentionally illegibly, which is no different from how I usually write my name.

“The fee for today’s basic exam is ninety-five dollars.”

“I’m just here for the DMV test.”

“Ah, wonderful,” she said. “That’s ninety-five dollars.” She asked for my drivers license, the very one I was here to renew, and made a digital scan of it. “Oh, please fill out this form, Mr. LeDonne. We just need your name and address.”

“Didn’t you just get that from my ID?”

“It’s just for our office.”

You guys sure love your paperwork. I’d expect this at the DMV, but not a regular place of business.

I paid and waited a length of time that made me wonder why I made an appointment in the first place. Finally, a tech took me to an examination room and explained that he and another tech were going to perform three tests: two eye scans and the air puff test, universally understood as the most exhilarating way to spend 2 minutes of your life.

“I’m just here to read the letters for the DMV.”

“We need to do these tests for you to see the doctor,” the tech explained. He explained it in a way that said look, none of these are necessary, but we have to legitimize the $95 charge. Sit down.

“Do we have to?” I asked, as I sat down in the first seat. They ran the first two tests, and when she told me it was time for the air puff test, I swear I saw her sneer. No matter how much I thought I was prepared for The Puff, it wasn’t enough. When it came, my whole body shook. I would have been better off driving with an expired license until I could get in to the DMV.

They finished and sent me back out to the waiting room, where I waited for another length of time that made me wish I hadn’t been born.

As I sat down, Wiff texted me a link to another eye exam place. This one was online, had a 5 minute wait time, and cost half as much.

I went back to the New Patient Registration Desk. “I gotta bail.”

“You’d like a refund?" the receptionist asked. The way he said it made it seem like this wasn’t an uncommon conversation here.

“I gotta be somewhere,” I lied. “And I’ve waited too long.”

“We can over you a discount. Maybe for like $60?”

“I appreciate the offer, but I’ve gotta jet.” I had nowhere to be, but I had to get there fast. Meanwhile, I’d clicked the link Wiff had sent, and was 5 minutes away from my eye exam.

I got my refund, and walked to meet Wiff at an Irish pub. I arrived just in time for Doris to pop up on my screen. Wiff, Doris, and I walked outside, and Wiff held the phone while Doris gave me an eye exam.

Within 5 minutes, I’d passed the test, paid my $49, and Doris had uploaded my exam details to the DMV.

I sat down at the bar and finished my license renewal with no hiccups from me or the website.