August 13, 2025
I just realized that my drivers license expires in 10 days. I say “just” as if this were a surprise. It’s not. Nor was it ever. I knew when I got my license 4 years ago the exact day it would expire. Of course, the surprise feeling immediately gave way to self-loathing. One part of me knew the expiration was coming, and another part of me hates that part. Why didn’t you say something sooner? But that’s how it always goes, isn’t it? Even if we knew the exact day and time of our death, we’d be lying on our death bed thinking already? But I thought I had more time! And moments later, how could you…?
I went online to try to renew my license. It should have been a straightforward enough process: go online, click renew, receive new license in the mail. But, since it’s a government-run website, it’s a bit more complicated: go online, click renew, get an error, retry nine times, get nine errors, drink alcohol. I don’t know why government-run is synonymous with shitty. I mean, I do; I used to work for the government. They weren’t exactly society’s best and brightest. I say “they” instead of “we” because, technically, I was a consultant to the government. Although, technically, I was bad at my job. There’s a reason we have sayings like “a government job,” and “good enough for government work.” The website is so bad, it’s almost like they want us to go into the DMV. “Look, our workers are lonely. Come visit. Please?” Is that why they’re so slow? They just need someone to talk to?
I eventually got to the point where I could schedule an in-person visit to the DMV. Everyone’s favorite way to spend an afternoon. Why is the DMV so bad? Why does every DMV visit have to be slow and stupid and weird? It’s almost like someone at the DMV asked, “Hey, should we fix everything?” And the boss said, “No. We have a reputation to uphold.” The soonest reservation I could make was in September. Do they only have one person on duty? Are they that lonely? Or am I just like everyone else, trying to make a last minute appointment?
To renew my license I also needed an eye exam. I was able to schedule an appointment within seconds at a place 400 feet away that takes place in two hours. I mean, it’ll cost two grand, but time is money, right? What are they doing right that the DMV is doing so wrong?
I walked into the optician’s store at 11:15 and told the smiling clerk I had an appointment for 11:30. She ushered me to the New Patient Registration Desk where the receptionist asked for my last name.
“LeDonne,” I said.
“Ah, I see you have an 11:30 appointment. You can sign in here.”
I thought she was joking and smiled like you’d smile at someone who just made a joke. I didn’t see the need to sign in when we’d just confirmed who I was and my appointment time.
“You can sign in here, Mr. LeDonne.” She wasn’t joking.
I wrote my name on the sign-in sheet intentionally illegibly, which is no different from the way I usually write my name.
“The fee for today’s basic exam is ninety-five dollars,” she said.
“I’m just here for the DMV thing.”
“Then you’ll want the basic exam. It includes three tests.” She added that last part like it was an added bonus.
“I don’t need an exam. I don’t need the three tests. I just want to read the letters.”
“Ah, I understand,” she said. “Then you want our basic exam. That’s ninety-five dollars.”
Then she asked for my drivers license, the very one I was here to renew, and I gave it to her. She made a digital scan of it and gave it back to me. “Oh, could you please fill out this form, Mr. LeDonne? We just need your name and address.”
“Didn’t you just get that from my ID?”
“It’s just for our office.”
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