Where Are All The Ghosts?!

Ghosts are weird.

There, I said it. 

I’m not afraid of expressing my opinions anymore. I’m not going to let others dictate what I can and can’t say. What opinions I should and should not have. 

I. Am. Brave.

I find the whole ghost thing odd. Don’t you?

First of all, we’re fascinated with the afterlife because we don’t understand it. We don’t even know if there’s an it to understand. My money’s on no. Unless it is real, in which case I’ll switch my bet right at the end.

I find the rules around ghosts oddly specific. 

A lot of buildings are said to be haunted. Hotel rooms. Restaurants. Basements. 

Why do ghosts just haunt one place? They’re free to move around. They’re not limited to locked doors, or stairs, or elevators. They’re ghosts! They can fly or scoot. Whatever ghosts move. If I were a ghost, I’d float all over the place. My first thought would be, “I CAN FLY?!?” 

Wouldn’t that be cool? I mean, there’s the whole downside about being dead. But if I have to die, flying around isn’t a bad trade off. 

It’s crazy to think ghosts only hang out in one room, or house. They can fly wherever they want. They aren’t even limited to this earth. They can literally be out of this world. And since time isn’t really a concern, you could float to Jupiter whenever you want. 

Oh… if there’s life out there, are there also ghosts out there? Wouldn’t that be cool? Some crazy alien race is chock full of ghost aliens. Why aren’t we overrun with ghost aliens now? 

And doesn’t it seem weird that there are so few ghosts? Even the TV shows that hunt ghosts only come up with a ghost once or twice a season. They’re trained to find them and they can only find one or two in 22 episodes? Imagine a fishing show where the fisherman only catches a fish once a season. 21 episodes of Jed sitting in a boat, driving the boat. Using his gear to find fish “hot spots.” 

Then Jed gets a twinkle in his eye. “They’re here.” Okay, Jed. Let’s see you do your thing. 

And then…

Nothing.

For 21 episodes.

Who’s watching that?!

Anyway, with as long as humans have been around, don’t you think we would have more ghosts? Why aren’t there any neanderthal ghosts? You can’t tell me they all kicked the bucket in a way that would prevent them from turning into ghosts. 

Native American burial grounds are good for ghosts. You always hear about the angry spirits coming back to haunt the burial grounds and the people who desecrate the grounds. 

First of all, why do they care? I mean, I don’t want to insult any Native American ghosts reading this—they’re a growing demographic—but you could go anywhere and do anything. You’re a ghost! Can’t you float to some other place?

Second, instead of exacting revenge on whoever trespasses on your burial grounds, what if you just put up a sign? You know? Use your words, ghosts! Chances are the people who are desecrating your burial grounds don’t know what they’re doing. Not to give them an excuse, but I don’t think they know you’re there. So, instead of toppling a building or saying, “BOO!” Just draw a big, “GO AWAY” sign in the dirt. 

And then you hear about ghosts inhabiting a hotel or a restaurant or someplace because they have unfinished business. I’ve never cared about any unfinished business long enough to hang around an extra hour. But you’re telling me that you’re waiting around an additional lifetime? Dude. Relax.

Maybe that’s what you need!

Maybe instead of ghost hunters, we need ghost counselors. People who can help you get over something and then crossover.

You’ve got grief counselors. Maybe we need Ghost Grief Counselors. 

I wonder what a ghost’s Maslow Hierarchy looks like? The Maslow Hierarchy is a theory that Abraham Maslow developed—which is convenient seeing as the hierarchy and he share the same name—to explain that humans need certain things before they can achieve other things. 

Humans need physiological needs met first, like food, water, sleep, shelter, sex. Then they can focus on safety, then making friends, then they can feel good about themselves, and then, only after every other need is met, can they reach self-actualization. And I presume there’s a prize at that point.

Is it different for ghosts? Let’s take a deeper look… 

Physiological? They have no corporeal body with needs. They don’t need food or water. I’m pretty sure they don’t need shelter, but maybe that’s what was pissing off the Native American ghosts and their burial ground. Sex? Are ghosts boning? Do they only bone with other ghosts? Or could you have a ghost-human relationship? Is that legal?

Do ghosts sleep? I’ve never seen a ghost, let alone a sleeping ghost, but I’d have to imagine that seeing a sleepwalking ghost would be one of the most terrifying things ever. A ghost is bad enough. But you could at least chat with it. Ask it what’s the matter. A sleeping could would be freaky, but then you’d probably wake it up anyway with your scream. They’re light sleepers, I’m sure. 

But a sleepwalking ghost. Holy. Smokes. 

That right there could be the issue. They can’t even get past the first tier of the Maslow Ghost Hierarchy™, let alone reach ghost-actualization. 

There we have it. We need ghost counselors to help ghosts reach ghost-actualization. I’ve solved ghosts! 

But then where would they go? And what would they do? 

Would ghost counselors work themselves out of a job? Like they finally help all the ghosts get through their issues, and then all of a sudden there’s no more ghosts?

Maybe we should also be focused on ghost prevention, you know? How does one become a ghost? Where’s their movement? Where’s their march!?

But for reals, are we creating new ghosts every day and we just don’t realize it? I want to know how many ghosts there are, where they’re from, what’s their reason for ghosting, and why they need in order to not ghost any more. 

I’m calling for a ghost registry. And a ghost census. A GHOSTUS.

This all seems very reactionary. I suppose the problem isn’t as big as I’m making it out to be. Come to think of it. This all seems like one elaborate over explanation about the not being a ghost.

Which seems a bit like I’m doth protesting too much. So…lemme dial it back. 

Boo.