Recipes
The Humbug Spritzer
Santa drinks because you're bad. Don't let him drink alone.
Santa drinks because you're bad. Don't let him drink alone.
Makes 1 cocktail
-
1oz Campari
-
4oz Sparkling wine [I used Delacroix Brut]
-
1 sprig of rosemary
1
Pour Campari into a champagne flute or coupe.
2
Add sparkling wine.
3
Garnish with a sprig of rosemary.
Serve to Santa to see if you can get back on the Nice list.
[Or not... *wink*]
Anthony's Man-Cold Grog
When a Man gets sick, the world must pay.
When a Man gets sick, the world must pay.
The only thing that can cheer up a Man stricken with a Man-Cold is a Man-Cold Grog [Yes the capitals are deserved, as any Man who has endured a Man-Cold will tell you].
And so I give this to not my fellow Man, but to every Woman who has put up with a Man with a Man-Cold.
-
2 oz aged rum (I use El Diplomatico Reserva Exclusiva 12yr)
-
1/2 oz freshly squeezed lime juice (I don't measure when I'm sick; it was a gentle squeeze of half a lime.)
-
2 Tbsp honey (use as much or as little as you need)
-
8oz water
1
Tell the world you have a Man-Cold.
2
Boil the water.
3
Add all ingredients to your Man-Cold Grog mug and stir, consume, and repeat ALL steps.
What the F is Myzithra?!?
I know what you're thinking, "Brains, Brawn, AND Beauty? How lucky can one guy be?" [very lucky]
You're probably also thinking, "What the heck is Myzithra and why does he keep using it? And how can I be more like him?"
We'll address your first two questions, since the last is more of a philosophical lifestyle choice. [I don't even know what that means.]
Mizithra is a dry, salty sheep milk cheese from Greece. It's like Italian ricotta salata, but drier.
It's one of Wiff's favorite cheeses. She developed a love for it at the Old Spaghetti Factory restaurant in our hometown, Tacoma, WA.
I don't know why, but it's almost impossible to find in New York. This seems strange to me, since they have a billion other cheeses. If she sees it she buys it, and if she buys it I cook with it.
If you see myzithra called for in any of my recipes and you can't find it, you can try ricotta salata (NOT regular ricotta), or maybe even Parmigiano-Reggiano or Pecorino. It'll taste totally different [still awesome] but texture-wise it'll be close enough.
Enjoy!
Mushroom Scramble [demo]
Hello!
I'd like make short videos showing you how to cook wondrous things, but first I need your feedback to make it better.
If you watch the video below, I'd sure appreciate it if you could share your thoughts in the form, also below.
Even if you don't share your opinion [selfish turd] I hope you find these videos useful!
Sweet. Thanks!
Butter & Sage Linguine
Ingredients
Total Time: 15 minutes
Makes 2 Servings
-
225g Fresh Linguine/Spaghettini/Angel Hair
-
30g Butter
-
10 sage leaves
-
40g Parmigiano-Reggiano
-
1 Lemon
Recipe
-
Brown the butter.
Put the butter in a small frying pan over medium heat. Once it melts, it'll start bubbling. Then the bubbles will subside. And then my friends...and then it will start developing lovely toasty flavors and aromas.
Watch it closely once it starts smelling nutty. You want it brown, not burned. See how brown you can get it before it develops burned flavors. It's a fun game.
Once it's nice and nutty, throw in the sage leaves and remove from the heat. The sage leaves will crackle a bit. That's perfectly normal and it's just the sound of them crisping up nicely. -
Cook the pasta.
Cook it according to the package directions. I usually do a minute less than the package calls for because I like it al dente. I usually end up cooking it for a minute in the sauce, which finishes it perfectly.
Oh, and I shouldn't have to explain this again, but salt the hell out of your water. It should taste like the ocean before you add the pasta.
If you're worried about sodium levels, fear not. Most of the salt stays in the water. But you do want to flavor the pasta, since it's flavorless otherwise. -
Mix and Serve!
Once the pasta is finished, remove it with tongs or a skimmer and dump it straight into the pan with the butter and sage. Add the cheese, a squeeze of the lemon, and some pasta water (1/4 to 1/2 cup) and toss to combine.
When Your Bread's As Stale As Your Jokes
Crostini is the answer to the question "what can I do with this two day old baguette besides throw it out or beat my dog?"
Having lost it's initial freshness, but not yet possessing the brittle dryness of a giant baguette-shaped-bread crumb, two day old baguette is in culinary limbo. It's just sitting there in the pantry, a dead loaf walking. awaiting it's final destiny, being pulverized to smithereens [always wanted to use that word] as breadcrumbs.
I, being an outside the breadbox thinking young lad, decided to give it a second chance [recidivism is low in our pantry] and offered to commute its sentence if it agreed to take a little heat.
...
I can't keep this up. Allegory over!
Long story short: Two day old baguette makes perfect toast!
Ingredients
Makes 2ish servings
-
Half a baguette, two days old.
-
4 tbsp Extra Virgin Olive Oil
-
1 garlic clove, peeled
-
Kosher salt
Recipe
-
Put a piece of foil on a half sheet pan [or whole, if that's your thing]. This is my fave. Place your oven rack in the highest position that gets the bread closest to the heat without touching it.
Yeah, if you click that and buy it I make money. -
Cut the two day old baguette into 1/2 inch thick pieces and arrange them in one layer in the foil-lined sheet pan.
-
Glug some extra virgin olive oil onto the bread.
Try to do it evenly but don't stress if it's not. This is the toughest step if you're culinarily OCD-ish like me... but just trust that the heat and capillary action will help the oil equilibrate in the bread.* Resist the urge to get an aerosolizer... Single-function tools have no place in your kitchen.
*complete fabrication. -
Broil that slicked up two day old bread until it's good and toasted. Rub the peeled garlic clove on the toasted crostini. Sprinkle that oily, garlicky bready goodness with salt.
The toasted, hardened surface of the crostini acts as a grater of sorts. It always amazes me how little the clove is after rubbing it on all the slices.
chicken & egg, AT THE SAME TIME [mind blown]
The little waste-not-want-not gremlin within me gets off on using leftovers.
The little waste-not-want-not gremlin within me gets off on using leftovers.
I cooked a chicken last night and didn't eat all of it [because I'm not a complete caveman]. And my normal routine of 4 whites and 2 yolks [don't fret, I save the yolks for quick custard] felt like it wanted to reconnect with its chicken mama.
That, and Wiff not-so-subtly took all the ingredients out of the fridge as a hint that it was feeding time.
Total Time: 15 minutes
Serves 2
300 calories / serving
Ingredients
- 4 egg whites
- 2 egg yolks
- 40g cheddar cheese [1 handful; about 1/2 cup]
- 2g kosher salt [ two three-finger pinches]
- 4g Canola oil [1 tbsp-ish]
- 100g Kale [two-handed handful, manhand sized]
- 100g leftover chicken [breast and thigh meat plus some unidentifiable meat parts]
- 25g leftover red onion [maybe 1/3 c?]
- 1/4c water [optional, to help wilt the kale]
RECIPE
- Whisk together egg yolks and whites and half the salt in a bowl.
Keep whisking until it's a homogeneous mixture. You don't want be snotty chunks of white in there. [Or maybe you're into that?] - Add oil and kale to a large frying pan and heat over medium high heat. Don't touch it.
Seriously, the only way these superfoods/weeds taste good is when they're browned [scroll to the bottom of that page for more info]. - Once the kale bottoms are browned, flip them over. Add the chicken and onion. Mix to combine, and then DO NOT TOUCH. You want everything browned.
Taste the kale. Does it taste good? You like that? If not, add the last gram [three fingered pinch of salt]. Then reserve the kale mixture to a bowl. - Melt the butter in the same pan [#onePotMeal] and adjust heat to medium-low. Add eggs.
Most people fuck scrambled eggs up. Put down the mimosa for 5 minutes and give these eggs the love and attention they deserve. Some chicken [probably the one you had last night] surrendered its eggs so that you could grow big and strong. Don't let it down. - Slowly stir the eggs with a silicone spatula. You can add the cheese all at once at the beginning or intermittently as the eggs scramble [my fave]. DO NOT OVERCOOK THE EGGS.
Remember what I said about most people overcooking them? They get too dry and then they taste like shit. If your eggs usually suck [they probably do] then experiment with me [wink] and remove them from the heat when they look just a little underdone to you. They should be shiny. They will continue to cook on the plate.
Experiments with Laughing Gas
Those of you in the know are well aware that I recently bought an iSi Gourmet Whip Plus. Most people use them to make whipped cream, a purpose which this devices handles deftly, but we are not most people.Fancy chefs also use these for foams and emulsions. [We'll save those for a latter date.]Today we'll be using it to infuse booze with flavor.Our first base spirit is white rum.Why white rum?Because I don't keep vodka in my house and the white rum was the cheapest base spirit I had available. I think I paid $14 for a full liter.And I love daiquiris.So much.*...drinks two daiquiris...*aaaand we're back.The results were absolutely fantastic.GIVE IT A SHOT.
Basic Infusion Recipe:
- 10g of something (lemon, pistachios, etc)
- 10g of some complementary flavor (basil, coffee, etc)
- 120ml (4oz) base spirit (vodka, rum, whiskey, etc)
Equipment:
- Cream whipper (e.g., iSi Gourmet Whip Plus)
- N2O charger (not CO2)
- A sturdy liver
Recipe
- Add all ingredients to the whipper, secure lid, charge with N2O charger, and shake for a few seconds.
- Gently swirl or vigorously shake for 60 seconds.
- Slowly vent the gas. [Feel free to inhale if you like rum-flavored whippets].
- Strain and reserve the liquid. Discard the solids. Use in your new favorite drinks!
Pistachio Coffee Rum
Ingredients
[makes 4oz infused spirit, enough for 2 cocktails]:
-
10g Shelled Pistachios [small handful]
-
10g Whole Coffee Beans [small handful
-
4oz (120ml) white rum
Special Equipment:
-
Whip cream dispenser [e.g. iSi Gourmet Whip]
-
1 N2O charger [do not use soda chargers]
Use in:
Recipe
-
Put all ingredients into the whipper. Close the whipper and charge with the N2O charger and shake for a second or two.
-
Wait 30 seconds and then shake again.
-
Wait another 30 seconds, slowly depressurize, then open the whipper. Strain the now-flavored rum into a small carafe/vessel and use in a drink.
Dolores Umbridge
Ingredients
-
1.5oz Gin
-
1oz Campari
-
1oz Freshly Squeezed Lemon Juice
-
1/2oz Triple Sec [the cheap stuff is preferred here]
-
1 egg white
Recipe
-
Add the egg white to an empty shaker, seal the shaker, and shake for 30 seconds.
-
Add all ingredients to the shaker and fill with ice.
-
<potterReference>
Shake and repeat "I must not tell lies" enough times to let the message sink in.
</potterReference> -
Strain and pour into a chilled cocktail glass.
Polyjuice Potion
Polyjuice Concentrate
Ingredients
-
1 english cucumber
-
1 large handful spinach
Recipe
- Throw cuke and spinach and blend until smooth.
- Reserve. [Reserving things is fancy-speak for "put in a jar" or "don't throw it out."]
Polyjuice Potion
Ingredients
-
1/2oz PolyJuice Concentrate [hopefully you saw the recipe above?]
-
1/2oz Gin
-
1/4oz Freshly squeezed lime juice [ALWAYS freshly squeezed]
-
1/4oz Green Chartreuse [don't use yellow; it's much too mellow for this]
Recipe
- Add all ingredients to a shaker full of ice.
- Shake and strain into a chilled cocktail glass.
Butterbeer
There are a lot of Butterbeer recipes out there. Most are terribly sweet.
This one is so effing fantastic I decided to share it with you Potterites. It's a little sweet, but not cloyingly so.
Ingredients
-
2 oz good bourbon. I used Woodford Reserve and it was incredible.
-
1/2 oz Butterscotch sauce. The 15 minutes it takes to make your own are well worth it. In a pinch, you can use salted caramel sauce, or something similar.
-
4-6oz regular or diet cream soda, depending on how sweet you prefer your drinks
Recipe
Add all ingredients except the diet cream soda to a mixing tin, mason jar, tupperware thingy, or whatever you have that has a lid.
Shake heartily and strain into a double old fashioned glass.
Top with 4-6oz cream soda.
Harry Potter cosplay and chug.
Butterscotch Sauce
Ho. Lee. SHIT I love butterscotch. And caramel. [And pronouncing it care-uh-mel, not car-mel.]
I've never made butterscotch before but decided it was going to be a key ingredient in a Harry Potter- themed cocktail this Halloween.
Ingredients
Yields 2 cups
-
342 g brown sugar [a little over one cup]
-
114 g butter [1 stick, I don't care if it's salted or not]
-
114 g heavy cream [~1/2 cup]
-
34 g water [a few tablespoons]
Add brown sugar, butter, and water to a small saucepan.
Heat to a boil over medium heat and boil for 10 minutes.You want the sugar to completely dissolve and the butter to brown a bit here. It may take less or more time. It'll smell a little nutty when it's brown.
Remove from heat. Add heavy cream.It may bubble vigorously for a few seconds. Do not panic. This is normal. But don't do something stupid like stick your face in there and get splattered on.
Let cool a bit and pour into glass jars. Eat this on top of ice cream [like me], in your Harry Potter-themed Butterbeer recipe [also like me], or by the spoonful in the middle of the night while no one's watching [...no comment...].
The Dirty Mela
This is the Dirty Mela. An Anthony LeDonne original. I'm probably not the first to mix these three ingredients in these ratios, but I AM the first to post it on my website. And, since my website is my world, I'm the first to make it. Ever. [No arguments.]
Applejack is a watered down version of apple brandy, and by "watered down" I mean "cut with 80 proof grain neutral spirits." You'd think that would make an inferior product. And you'd probably be right. But in this drink Applejack is better. And cheaper. Don't waste a delicate apple brandy in here... Your wallet will notice the difference more than your tongue.
The name Dirty Mela points to the drink's roots: mela, Italian for apple, and dirty... well I don't know why dirty was in there. But it felt right [translation: Wiff named it so it's not changing].
Ingredients
1oz Laird's Apple Applejack
1oz Noilly Prat Sweet Vermouth
1oz Campari
Directions
Add everything to a mixing tin/glass/jar/container full of ice. Stir for 60 seconds. Strain into a chilled cocktail* glass.
*Don't call it a martini glass. This isn’t Applebee's. Also, don't call cocktails martinis unless they are Martinis, made only with gin and dry vermouth (although a dash of orange bitters is acceptable per the original recipe). A "vodka martini" is called a Kangeroo. And yeah, you should feel weird saying that; that's the price you pay for drinking a "vodka martini". [Can you feel my judgement?]
Kale chi-... [I really don't want to write this]
It goes against every part of my being to say I like kale.Why? [thanks for asking]Detoxers & Cleansers.They ruined it for me. Why? [thanks again, I owe you one]I hate them; they love kale; and, by the Transitive Property I should also hate kale. [I think that's right...]But I don't. I actually kinda like it. Not for any of it's purported health benefits. But because it tastes fucking awesome.When done properly.[That's good enough for a segue, yeah?]
The Ingredients:
-
100g Kale [1 bunch, exactly 19 leaves]
-
20g Olive Oil [1/2 a shot glass full]
-
1g kosher salt [don't wuss out here; salt makes food taste good.]
1
Go all Eve on that kale and remove the ribs. Use a knife and cut along either side of the rib. I grab each leaf by the rib end and hack downward along the rib.
2
Wash and spin dry the kale. Or not. Just don't blame me if you get the shits.
3
Put the kale in a large bowl. Add olive oil and salt. Get in there with your hands and mix everything up. If you scale this recipe up you may need to do this in batches.
4
Dump that oiled up kale on a foil-lined baking sheet and toss in an oven at 400˚F. It's done when it's crispy and brown. Probably 15-20 minutes.
5
Tell me how many "toxins" you removed in the comments below.
Steak, Couscous, Spinach
Ingredients
Makes 2 Servings
- 1 12oz Strip Steak
- 1 8oz box couscous
- kosher salt
- spinach
- olive oil
Recipe
- Cook steak in a bag in a water bath at 133˚F for about an hour. This assumes you've got a steak that's 1 inch thick. If it's 2 inches it could take 3 hours.
- Remove the steak from the bag and reserve. [Reserve just means don't throw it away. Hopefully you weren't going to throw out the star of this show, but I wouldn't put it past you.]
- Cook spinach like this. It's easy. I promise.
- Boil water for couscous. Remove from heat and add couscous. Wait five minutes for couscous to puff up. Find another reason to say the word couscous. [Couscous.]
- Heat a pan over high heat until it's really hot. This is easiest with cast iron because it can take a beating. If you're not sure how hot "really hot" is, put the oil in the pan and add the steak as soon as the oil starts smoking.
- Sear the steak for 2 minutes on one side [presentation side] and 1 minutes on the other side.
- Plate prettily!
Pork Chop
Ingredients
Makes 2 chops
- 2 12oz Bone-in Pork Chops [doesn't have to be bone-in. Could be bone-out. We're equal opportunity here.
- A couple thimbles full of Canola oil. [You just need some on the bottom of the pan to conduct heat to the pork. Don't freak out over how much. 3 tablespoons? 10 grams? Why not?!]
- 2 Splashkies of white wine [this is a standard use of measurement in my home bar]
- One squirt dijon mustard [squeeze the bottle until it makes one fart noise]
- Small child's handful capers [or exactly 34]
- Half a stick of butter [but which half is up to you]
- Kosher salt
Recipe
- Cook the pork chops in a 135˚F water bath for about an hour for medium rare, 141˚F for medium. The exact time isn't important; aim for between 1-2 hours.
- Remove the chops from the bag and dry with paper towels so it browns all pretty like. The hot oil has to evaporate the moisture before it can start browning the pork. The more moisture, the longer it sits in the pan, potentially overcooking it. [This is bad.]
- Sprinkle on a liberal amount of salt. Like college student liberal.
- Heat a pan over high heat. Add oil and heat until it starts to smoke.
- Add chops and cook for 3 minutes on one side [the presentation side] and 1 minute on the other [the other side].
- Remove chops from the pan and reserve [fancy for "put them on a plate"].
- Deglaze the pan with the whine wine. Deglazing just means throw liquid in a hot pan and scrape the bottom to free all the brown bits [technically called "fond"]. This not only adds incredible flavor to your pan sauce, it aids in cleanup. #lazy.
- Reduce until almost all the wine is evaporated.
- Add dijon and remove from the heat. Stir in butter. Add capers.
- Plate the pork all fancy-like and spoon a few spoonfuls of the pan sauce over.
- Eat.
Pulled Pork
Oh my god am I about to blow your mind. This is going to be one of the easiest things you ever make in the kitchen. It requires two ingredients, and no prep. If you can't throw two things into a pan and turn on heat please don't visit my site again [jk jk, I need the hits].
Ingredients
- 1 Pork Shoulder. Preferably with skin on (look for picnic pork).
- Water
Recipe
- Add the entire pork shoulder into the base of a pressure cooker.
- Cover with water.
- Pressure cook for 2 hours.
- I let it cool overnight, first on the counter for several hours and then in the fridge. This helps the pork reabsorb some of the moisture [I think] but, more importantly, chilling it solidifies the pork fat that's risen to the top. You can scrape off the fluffy fat and reserve for use in any recipe that calls for oil. It's incredible.
- Reserve the liquid. It will be jello consistency at this point. You've just made pork stock.
- Shred the meat with your fingers. This is the pulled part of the pulled pork.
- Toss it in your next pasta dish, risotto, or tacos. Or put some on a fluffy potato slider bun with BBQ sauce.
Chicken Broth
This is going to be the most boring recipe you'll ever read.
But it's also one of the easiest.
And it'll produce AWESOME flavor-juice. And it's made from stuff you usually throw away. So why wouldn't you want to do this?!?
Ingredients
-
1 Chicken carcass, parts, stuff [I use a leftover carcass after roasting and eating a chicken]
-
Roughly 1.5L / 1.5 quarts Water
Recipe
-
Put all chicken things into the base of a pressure cooker.
-
Add water.
-
Seal pressure cooker and cook for 2 hours.
-
Let the pressure cooker come back to room temperature.
-
Strain solids, reserving liquid. It'll keep in the fridge for a week or in the freezer until you move.
Caramelized Onions
Caramelized Onions make everything better. Even caramelized onions. Throw this on a burger. Add it to soup. Eat it right out of the jar like a slob while nobody's looking except your dog who may or may not be judging you.]
It's so good. So brown and sweet. That sounds disgusting but you get the picture.
It's also ridiculously easy to make.
If you don't have a pressure cooker just throw everything in a sauté pan and sauté over medium-low heat. It will not take 15-20 minutes like all the Food Network recipes tell you. It will take 2 hours. I'm not kidding.
Don't get me wrong, I love me some Food Network [Hi, Giada!], but unless they've got a Rachel Ray-branded time machine they're lying to you.
Ingredients
- Onions, julienned
- Butter
Recipe
- Divide onions among 8oz glass canning jars. Add the butter on top. You can use as many/few jars as you like, I don't care. Want to cram everything in one? Go for it. Spread it out among 5 little jars? Be my guest.
- Pressure cook at 1 bar / 15psi (usually the second red line on most pressure cookers) for 45 minutes.
- Transfer onions to a pan and simmer over medium heat until the liquid gets all syrupy.
- You are done.